I had lain down on the bed around 5:30 for what was supposed to be a quick nap when I woke to some mild clatter and low voices in the kitchen, about 30 feet outside of my bedroom door. I didn’t own a gun, but I was pretty confident that I knew what to do. And as I got out of bed, I was met by a muscular man dressed in a UPS outfit coming into my room. His tag read “Jerry,” but usually UPS guys wait outside for the homeowner and they don’t carry my favorite kitchen knife in their right hand when they approach a customer.
Jerry, with a pair of handcuffs in the other hand, shouted
to his partner in the kitchen, “There’s a guy in here, and he’s naked,”
casually, like he was taking inventory of the house and the other guy was
supposed to note it down. And then to
me, “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put these cuffs on until we’re…”
I didn’t let him finish the sentence and pounced on him,
taking him by surprise and biting off the tip of his nose. He screamed and flailed with the knife, which
I disarmed as I bit off parts of his cheek meat. I stopped his screaming with an especially
vicious bite to his larynx, after which I bolted out of the room, past “Clyde”
and out the front door. I noted the UPS
van parked along my curb as I crossed the street and hopped the neighbor’s
fence.
Through the fence, I could see my house and the front door in
the full moonlight. Clyde had not followed
me, but about 30 seconds later, maybe after seeing “Jerry”, he fled the house, hopped
into the UPS vehicle, and after hastily checking to make sure I wasn’t in the
back, sped off.
I’m sure he had a great story for his friends about the
glimpse of what could only be considered a werewolf who took the life of his
friend formerly known by some other name than Jerry.
Epilogue:
No cops ever arrived and I didn’t report the home
invasion. The following weekend, I drove
out to the country where there is a peaceful woods and buried “Jerry’s” clothes
deep in a secret spot. I then spent the
rest of the day diligently hiding the rest of his picked-clean bones around the
woods in shallow holes where I, and only I, would be able to find them later.